Ian White12/31/2010: George Carlin
George Denis Patrick Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, actor, and author, who won five Grammy Awards for his comedy albums. Carlin was noted for his black humor as well as his thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. Carlin and his "Seven Dirty Words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a narrow 5–4 decision by the justices affirmed the government's power to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves.
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I’m a modern man, digital and cost free; a man for the millennium a diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. I've been uplinked and downloaded; I've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I'm a high-tech, low-life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I'm new wave, but I’m old school; and my inner child is Outward-bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking, Warm-hearted cool customer; voice-activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database; my database is in cyberspace; so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive, and from time to time I’m radioactive Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin’ the wave, dodgin’ the bullet, pushin’ the envelope. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder.
I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, and I run victory laps. I’m totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic, a working rage-aholic; out of rehab and in denial. I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up; you can’t dumb me down. ‘Cause I’m tireless, and I’m wireless. I’m an alpha-male on beta-blockers. I’m a non-believer, I’m an over-achiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home; low rent, high maintenance. I’m super-sized, long-lasting, high definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case; prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail. But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary –care giver. My output is down, but income is up. I take short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports. I’m gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant. I like rough sex; I like tough love. I use the f-word in my e-mail. And the software on my hard drive is hardcore — no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped and vacuum-packed. And…I have unlimited broadband capacity. I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock; rough, tough, and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow; I ride with the tide, I’ve got glide in my stride.
Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinnin’; jivin’ and groovin’, and wailin’ and winnin’. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunchtime. I’m hangin’ in, there ain’t no doubt; and I’m hangin’ tough. Over and Out."
